Thank you for your interest in the Segway (tm) Human Transporter and Lifestyle Accessory. We hope that our new FAQ will answer any questions you may have.

Q: Can I ride my Segway in the street?
A: No. The Segway is not currently approved for roadway use in the United States. Also, you would be crushed and killed.

Q: Can I ride my Segway on the sidewalk, then?
A: There are still several municipalities in North America that have not banned Segway riders from sidewalks. Among them are Skokie, Illinois and Sleetmute, Alaska.

Q: Can the Segway safely travel through standing water?
A: Yes, the Segway can travel unharmed through up to twelve inches of standing water. Simply buff the unit with a soft cloth to prevent water spots from forming. Also, the rider, who is likely to have been electrocuted in the process, may leave unsightly scorch marks on the handgrips. A light bleach solution should take care of these.

Q: What happens to the Segway's gyroscopic stabilization mechanism in zones such as the famous Spooky Forest Where All the Trees Are Mysteriously Leaning?
A: See the License and Use Agreement and Waiver, page 37, "Proximity to Alleged Gravitational and Space-Time Anomalies, Not Liable for Operator Death in."

Q: When does the thing happen where my Segway changes the design of cities?
A: Sometime after March 2008. Our lawyers are still working on this.

Q: I sent in a $500 deposit, then my town banned Segway riding. Can I have my deposit back?
A: No.

Q: About the "lifestyle" thing -- what lifestyle is it exactly that the Segway is intended for?
A: If you live in a very large and well-secured warehouse with smooth concrete floors, and you are the kind of person who always forgets things and has to run back and get them, and you are unmarried, and you don't particularly care if you ever get married -- that's the Segway lifestyle.

Q: Why is this thing so fucking expensive?
A: We use all of our profits, after the other profits, to build the world's most amazing wheelchairs, allowing paraplegics to have a little tiny bit of joy, so that just for one moment they can experience the whimsical pleasure of standing on tiptoes or hopping up over a curb, the kind of pleasures that your typical able-bodied Segway rider simply takes for granted, selfishly takes for... sorry, what were you saying? Is there a problem?

Q: When will we start seeing Segway product placements on TV and in movies?
A: Currently we are in a minor dispute with a Mr. Albert Broccoli over whether a 12mph sidewalk chase scene constitutes "heart-pounding excitement," but we hope to resolve this issue soon. Also, don't be surprised if you turn on BET some time soon and see Missy "Misedemeanor" Elliot in a giant mylar suit and space goggles zooming back ond forth on a Segway in a tunnel-shaped room lit entirely in purple and red lights. No promises, but it definitely might happen.

Q: I ran over my cat. I thought this thing was supposed to avoid obstacles.
A: You must have confused your Segway with the "Sigway" robot vacuum cleaner. The "Sigway" does indeed detect and avoid obstacles. The Segway (tm) Human Transporter, on the other hand, simply rolls over and crushes objects in its path, while maintaining amazing ballerina-like balance. Its poise and grace are almost unmatched in the natural world.

Q: How can I be sure that the Segway is right for me?
A: The magic of Segway (tm), the bold and dashing nature of this new invention, is only for those who are not afraid of the future. For those who embrace new things in all their boldness and dashingness. For those who dare to step aboard and be called maverick, rebel, visionary, seeker of truth, changer of the way cities are built, CEO of corportation, hey loser, hey freak, hey do you speak the binary language of moisture evaporators ha ha, yo George Jetson, say that's a pretty sweet looking ride how about you just step off and give it to me and I won't have to beat your ass...

Yes, this bold lifestyle is not for everyone but it is for YOU! YOU! Welcome to the Segway family!